• You don't sweat, you percolate.
  
• You go to AA meetings for the free coffee.
  
• You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you notice it's not plugged in.
  
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  
• Instant coffee takes too long.
  
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  
• You help your dog chase it's tail.
  
• You introduce your spouse as your 'coffee mate.'
  
• Your hero is FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper.
  
• Your head explodes.

You Know You're Too Stressed When...

• You can achieve a runner's high by sitting up.
  
• The sun is too loud.
  
• You are missing several days from this week.
  
• Trees begin to chase you.
  
• You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
  
• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
  
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
  
• You can hear mimes.
  
• You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
  
• Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
  
• You and reality file for divorce.
  
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
  
• It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
  
• You can travel without moving.
  
• Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
  
• You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
  
• You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the next day.

• You haven't asked yet.
  
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
  
• What? And spoil my great sex life?
  
• Nobody would believe me in white.
  
• Because I just love hearing this question.
  
• Just lucky, I guess.
  
• It gives my mother something to live for.
  
• My fiancée is awaiting parole.
  
• I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
  
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to "Miss Saigon?"
  
• I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
  
• It didn't seem worth a blood test.
  
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
  
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
  
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
  
• I guess it goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

• When people get on, ask for their tickets.
  
• When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
  
• Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  
• Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Mike. How's your day been?"
  
• Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up and say, "That's mine!"
  
• Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on, that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
  
• Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.

• Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  
• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
  
• There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
  
• People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them.
  
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
  
• Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  
• Never lick a steak knife.
  
• The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  
• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
  
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  
• There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
  
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
  
• A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  
• You don't have to look good. Your friends love you anyway.