to that Age-Old Question: "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
Answered by Some of the Most Famous Persons in History
Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Sanders: What? I missed one?
Bible: And God came down from the heavesn, and He said unto
the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the
chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I
have never known any chickens.
Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed,
I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
Is is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.
Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
James T. Kirk: To boldy go where no chicken has gone before.
Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there
The fact that you are at all concerned with why the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Gates: Microsoft has just released "Chicken Coop 2000",
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
inportant doucments and blance your checkbook - and Explorer
is an inextrictable part of the operating system.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
Fallwell: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't
you people see the plain truth in front of your face? "The
chicken was going to the other side." That's what 'they'
call it: the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases
like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be free to cross
the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
W. Bush: I don't think I should have to answer that question.
used to work at a Veterinary Clinic. Despite any suggestions or
'rules' that we posted, the following is what the customers must
have actually read.
do not make an appointment: We will be here anyway, and you
can, of course, be seen immediately.
do not have your dog on a leash: He may choke while running
around like a maniac.
do not bring your cat in a carrier or it will not be able to
see all the other animals it can play with.
your children. Bring your neighbor's children. If you do not
have children, borrow some.
your pet on the exam room table, then sit down. Do not offer
assistance. Remind the doctor that he won't jump.
your pet is in really bad shape, tell the doctor you were on
your dog is vicious, please do not tell the doctor. Please be
sure he is free to roam the room.
remind the doctor your animal was abused before you got him.
leave your sunglasses on. Also make sure your cell phone and
pager are on.
you are leaving, please let your dog urniate on all vertical
surfaces. Please do not tell us.
in the parking lot, make sure your dog deficates inapropriately.
Do not clean it up.
you found this animal as a stray there will be, of course, no
+ Lhasa Apso = Collapso; a dog that folds up for easy transport.
+ Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow; a dog that throws up a lot.
+ Setter = Poinsetter; a traditional Christmas pet.
Pyrenees + Dachsund = Pyradachs; a puzzling breed.
+ Lhasa Apso = Peekasso; an abstract dog.
Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Spring; a dog
that's fresh and clean as a whistle.
Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Retriever; the choice
of research scientists.
+ Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound; a dog for financial advisors.
+ Bulldog = Terribull; a dog that makes awful mistakes.
+ Labrador = Blabador; a dog that barks incessantly.
+ Pointer = Moot Poin; owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter
+ Malamute = Commute; a dog that travels to work.
+ Terrier = Derrier; a dog that's true to the end.
Terrier + Shitzu = Oh, never mind.
Haiku (Close Enough)
love my master;
Thus I perfume myslef with
This long-rotten squirrel.
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.
sound the alarm!
to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
sound the alarm!
Garbage Man---come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.
do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!
here, my chin
On your foot--no greater bliss--well,
Maybe catcing rats.
in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.
cat is not all
Bad--she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
under the fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
there. Because it's there.
am your best friend.
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
may call them fleas.
But they are far more--I call
Them a vocation.
owners' mood is
Romantic--I lie near their
feet. I fart a big one.
Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.
Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lieves ahead of us, andyou're inside worrying about a
stupid burned-out lightbulb?
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Puh-leeze dah-ling. Let the servents...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll
do it. By the time he finished re-wiring the house, my nails
will be dry.
oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeese let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Can I? Huh? Can I?
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off
the walls and furniture.
Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
Pinchser: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Who cares? I can still play iwht my squeaky toy in the dark.
Mastiffs are not afraid of the dark.
Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.
Wolfhound: The pack will have to decide who will change it!
And we chose YOU!
I se it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
It isn't moving, so who cares?
Shepherd: First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
English Sheepdog: Light bulb? That think I just ate was a light
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. I
am not one of THEM so the question is, how long will it bebefore
I can expect some light?