Television Quotations

Some of my favorite quotations from television.

  • I grow impatient!
  • I grow daffodils!

–Madame (Arlene Martell) and Peter (Peter Tork)-“The Monkees: The Spy Who Came in From the Cool”

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Dr. Who, ICU.
–Announcement over the hospital intercom-“Dallas”

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My race is pacifist and does not believe in War. We only kill out of personal spite.
–The Observer a.k.a. Brain Guy (Bill Corbett)-‘Mystery Science Theater 3000: Riding With Death’

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What do you want, you moon-faced assassin of joy!
–Ambassador Londo Mollari (Peter Jurasik)-‘Babylon 5’

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There are no happily ever afters, just new battles.
–Ms. Connelly -‘Babylon 5’

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  • You’ve reached a certain amount of success. If that were suddenly, like, taken away, wiped out, where would you be today?
  • I’d go back to the Village and be a folk singer.
  • How ’bout you, Davy?
  • I’d go back to the Village and watch him be a folk singer.
  • Mike?
  • I’d probably go…burn the Village.

–Bob (the interviewer), Peter Tork, Davy Jones and Mike Nesmith-‘The Monkees: Monkees, Manhatten Style’

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I don’t have low self-esteem. I have low esteem for everyone else.
–Daria Morgendorfer (voice: Tracy Grandstaff)-‘Daria: Esteemsters’

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With all due respect…BE GONE!…sir.
–Lieutenant Worf (Michael Dorn)-‘Star Trek:The Next Generation: The Icarus Factor’

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I’m confining you to quarters; give me all your dimes and nickels.
–Dr. Franklin Pierce (Alan Alda)-‘M*A*S*H’

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Never start a fight, but always finish it.
–Captain John Sheridan (Bruce Boxleitner)-‘Babylon 5’

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Conscience is the fear of getting caught.
–Sheriff Lucas Buck (Gary Cole)-‘American Gothic’

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  • Ally, what makes your problems bigger than everyone else’s?
  • They’re mine.

–Georgia (Courtney Thorne-Smith) and Ally McBeal (Calista Flockhart)-‘Ally McBeal’

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I’m an artist. Torture is a prerequisite.
–Dawson Leary (James VanDerBeek)-‘Dawson’s Creek’

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She was an acrobat’s daughter,
She swung by her teeth by a noose.
But one matinee,
Her bridgework gave way,
And she flew through the air like a goose.
–Daffy Duck (voice: Mel Blanc): Loony Toon Cartoon

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  • You’re not buying this anymore, are you?
  • I’m not even renting it.

–Larry Appleton (Mark Linn Baker) and Balki Bartokomus (Bronson Pinchot)-‘Perfect Strangers’

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Since it’s hard to say au revoir, let’s just say au gratin.
–Harry Stone (Harry Anderson) reading a not from Buddy Ryan (John Astin)-‘Night Court’

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Two penguins were walking across an iceberg. One penguin turned to the second penguin and said, ‘You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.’ And the second penguin said, ‘Maybe I am.’
–Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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I was Marie Antoinette in a former life. Maybe that’s why I’m so mindless in this one.
–Babs Bunny (voice: Tress MacNeille) imitating Shirley the Loon-‘Tiny Toon Adventures’

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Oh Harry, it’s like riding a bicycle. If everyone wears reflectors, no one gets hurt.
–Buddy Ryan (John Astin)-‘Night Court’

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  • What am I; garbage?
  • You wish.

–Beetlejuice (voice: Stephen Ouimette) and Lydia Dietz (voice: Alyson Court)-‘Beetlejuice’

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The meaning of life is…be happy, try not to hurt other people and hope that you fall in love.
–Mallory Keaton (Justine Bateman)-‘Family Ties’

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  • I’m so glad Nick and I are so compatible. We watch the same movies, like the same things. It’s like…we’re one person, you know? Like we have one mind.
  • Who’s using it tonight?

–Mallory Keaton (Justine Bateman) and Alex P. Keaton (Michael J. Fox)-‘Family Ties’

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Let’s get liberal! Or is that radical?
–Hamton Pig (voice: Don Messick) as an Immature Radioactive Samurai Slug-‘Tiny Toon Adventures’

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  • We’ve laid in a gala reception for your fair-haired boys, tonight. All of Twin Peaks’ best and brightest.
  • Are you holding it in a phone booth?

–Benjamin Horne (Richard Beymer) and Jerry Horne (David Patrick Kelley)-‘Twin Peaks’

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Hi, I’m Harry. But aren’t we all?
–Harry Stone (Harry Anderson)-‘Night Court

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Look, it’s trying to think.
–Albert Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer)-‘Twin Peaks’

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This just in on satellite: It’s an imperfect world; There will be school today; and you do look like your sister! Hah-hah-hah!
–Apple Jack Commercial, 1991

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  • Hospital food, coming up!
  • What, before we eat it?

–Bab’s sense of humor (voice: Tress MacNeille) and Hamton Pig (voice: Don Messick)-‘Tiny Toon Adventures’

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I’m a whole damn town!
–Deputy Andy Brennan (Harry Goaz)-‘Twin Peaks’

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There’s the one-armer now!
–Agent Gordon Cole (David Lynch)-‘Twin Peaks’

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Death is seldom kind and never fair.
–Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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  • Stop acting silly.
  • I’m not acting.

–Babs Bunny (voice: Tress MacNeille) and Gogo Dodo (voice: Frank Welker)-‘Tiny Toon Adventures’

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Habit can provide a strong foundation.
–Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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  • You macho pig.
  • Oink, oink baby.

–Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley) and A.C. Slater (Mario Lopez)-‘Saved By the Bell’

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  • What’s the secret to your success?
  • …Vitamins?

–Audience Member and Michael J. Fox-‘Donahue’

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This must be where pies go when they die.
–Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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Damn good coffee! And hot!
–Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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  • Some people think I’m strange.
  • I know the feeling.

–Annie Blackburn (Heather Graham) and Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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  • It would be an honor to call you Harry.
  • Then it’s fortunate I have that name.

–Miss Wagner (Karen Austin) and Harry Stone (Harry Anderson)-‘Night Court’

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  • I can’t believe you’re wearing that.
  • Why, were you planning on wearing it?

–Alex P. Keaton (Michael J. Fox) and Elyse Keaton (Meredith Baxter-Birney)-‘Family Ties’

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I can see the inscription on my tombstone: Here Lies Ed…dead.
–Mr. Ed (voice: Rocky Lane)-‘Mr. Ed’

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I just can’t believe God meant me to stay away from girls. If He did, He wouldn’t have made me so cute.
–Alex P. Keaton (Michael J. Fox)-‘Family Ties’

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Gimme a donut.
–Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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This cherry pie is a miracle.
–The Log Lady (Catherine Coulson)-‘Twin Peaks’

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  • And there was a rather peculiar limerick being delivered by someone from the shuttle bay area: There was a young lady from Venus, who’s body was shaped like a-
  • Captain to security, come in!
  • Did I say something wrong?
  • I don’t understand their humor either.

–Data (Brent Spiner), Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart), Data and Worf (Michael Dorn)-‘Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Naked Now’

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Sir, I protest! I am not a merry man!
–Worf (Michael Dorn)-‘Star Trek: The Next Generation: Q-Pid’

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If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!
–Angus’s Father (Mike Myers)-‘Saturday Night Live: Kyle MacLachlan’

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  • I do like you, Simon.
  • If you say ‘as a friend’ I’m gonna spontaneously combust.

–Jennifer Keaton (Tina Yothers) and Simon (Jason Naylor)-‘Family Ties’

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Thirty days hath September, April, June and Montana. All the rest have cold weather except in summer which isn’t often!
–Bugs Bunny (voice: Mel Blac)-Looney Toon Cartoon

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  • When did you start smokin’?
  • I smoke every once in a while. Helps relieve tension.
  • When did you get so tense?
  • When I started smokin’.

–James Hurley (James Marshall) and Donna Hayward (Lara Flynn Boyle)-‘Twin Peaks’

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  • I should never have taken you to that house up on the hill.
  • I have no complaints about the house.

–Catherine Martell (Piper Laurie) and Pete Martell (Jack Nance)-‘Twin Peaks’

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Miss Double RR Diner, what would you do to bring about world peace?: Well, I would bring all the world leaders together, make them form a circle and join hands. Because you can’t make a fist holding hands.
–Shelley Johnson (Madchen Amick)-‘Twin Peaks’

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The word linkage reminds me of sausage! Never cared much for the links, preferred the patties! But breakfast is a real good idea!
–Agent Gordon Cole (David Lynch)-‘Twin Peaks’

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  • Jim…
  • I’m fine, Bones.
  • Are you all right?

–Leonard McCoy (DeForest Kelley) and Jim Kirk (William Shatner)-‘Star Trek’ out-take

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I’m gonna let ya in on a little secret. Everyday, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it, don’t wait for it, just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at a men’s store, a catnap in your office chair…or two cups of good, hot, black coffee.
–Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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Surefire cure for a hangover, Harry. You take a glass of nearly frozen unstrained tomato juice. You plop a couple of oysters in there, you drink it down-breathe deeply. Next you take a mound, and I mean a mound, of sweet breads. Saute in some chestnuts and some Canadian bacon. Finally biscuits. Big biscuits smothered in gravy. Now, here’s where it gets tricky. You’re gonna need some anchovies…
–Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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Harry, the best cure I ever came across for a hangover was raw meat and plenty of it! You break an egg on it, add in plenty of salted anchovies, Tabasco sauce and Worcestershire sauce!
–Agent Gordon Cole (David Lynch)-‘Twin Peaks’

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  • What do you recommend for a hangover?
  • Teetotaling and prayer.
  • Good answer.

–Sheriff Harry S Truman (Michael Ontkean) and Annie Blackburn (Heather Graham)-‘Twin Peaks’

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I’m mad as tarhooties!
–The Monster Across the Street-Beetlejuice

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  • Why are you ringing?
  • Because my knocker’s broken?

–Nelson Flavor (Jim Staahl) and Mork (Robin Williams)-‘Mork & Mindy’

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Requiem for a Lamb: Mary had a little lamb…with mint jelly.
–Dot Warner (voice: Tres MacNeille)-‘Animaniacs’

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  • It’s Bullwinkle!
  • Or a figment of your imagination!
  • Who’s a fig newton?

–Rocky Squirrel (voice: June Foray), Captain Peachfuzz (voice: Paul Frees)and Bullwinkle Moose (voice: Bill Scott)-‘The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show’

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Stamp Out First Marriages
–Button on Goldie Hawn-‘Laugh In’

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I could marry anyone I please. So far, I haven’t pleased anybody.
–Ruth Buzzy-‘Laugh In’

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  • Uh, yeah, well, you know John, I think Miss Piggy is right. I’d like to say, ‘Good will toward men and women.’
  • Thank you.
  • Well, fine. Fine, no problem. Shall we go on?
  • Just a minute, just a minute. Why stop there? Now, I think he should say, ‘Peace on Earth, good will toward men, women and chickens!’
  • H-how ’bout bears?”
  • I think he should say, ‘Peach on Earth, good will toward men and women and chickens and bears…and Dizzy Gillespie!’

–Kermit the Frog (voice: Jim Henson), Miss Piggy (voice: Frank Oz), John Denver, Gonzo (voice: Dave Goelz), Fozzie Bear (voice: Frank Oz) and Floyd Pepper (voice: Jerry Nelson)-‘John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together’

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I’ve got four hungry law-men out in a police cruiser. We need donuts!
–Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)-‘Twin Peaks’

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Clark is everything you could want in a man. He’s nice and he’s cute and he’s here.
–Alex (Farrah Forke)-‘Wings’

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  • Are you seeing anyone?
  • Only when I close me eyes and concentrate.

–Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) and Daphne Moon (Jane Leeves)-‘Frasier’

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  • If I were a woman I’d be crying.
  • What would you be doing if you were a man?

–Cliff Claven (John Ratzenberger) and Carla (Rhea Perlman)-‘Cheers’

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Last night I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail.
–Niles Crane (David Hyde Pierce)-‘Frasier’

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  • Doh!
  • A Deer!
  • A female deer!

–Homer Simpson (voice: Dan Castellaneta), Lisa Simpson (voice: Yeardley Smith) and Marge Simpson (voice: Julie Kavner) after running into a deer statue-‘The Simpsons’

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The Frog has come to have his say.
The Pig will never get her way.
Plate and napkin, knife and fork,
is the only way that I’ll touch pork.
–Kermit the Frog (voice: Jim Henson)-‘The Muppet Show: Bob Hope’

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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
–Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey-‘Saturday Night Live’

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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, ‘Probably because of something you did.’
–Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey-‘Saturday Night Live’

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I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
–Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey-‘Saturday Night Live’

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Just remember; a good loser is still a loser.
–Lucas Buck (Gary Cole)-‘American Gothic’

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Styrofoam never dies as long as you live.
–Deputy Andy Brennan (Harry Goaz)-‘Twin Peaks’

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The next number! The next number…is next!
–Kermit T. Frog (voice: Jim Henson)-‘The Muppet Show’

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I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?
–John Hemingway (John Larroquette)-‘The John Larroquette Show’

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When the trust goes out of a relationship, it’s no fun lying anymore.
–from ‘Cheers’

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When are you going to realize that if it doesn’t apply to me, it doesn’t matter?
–Murphy Brown (Candace Bergen)-‘Murphy Brown’

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I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
–Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey-‘Saturday Night Live’

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We wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, so we got a dog. It’s cheaper and…more feet.
–Rita Rudner-‘Dr. Katz’

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Oh, Cliff
Sometimes it must be difficult to feel as if
You really are a cliff
When fascists keep trying to push you over it
Are they the lemmings?
Or are you Cliff?
Or are you, Cliff?
–“Cliff” by Rik (Rik Mayall)-‘The Young Ones: Demolition’

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Ode to Spot by Commander Data

Felis Catus:
Is your taxonomic nomenclature
An endothermic quadruped,
Carnivorous by nature?
Your visual, olfactory and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills
And natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued
By your sub-vocal oscillations;
A singular development
Of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur
To demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents;
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized
To aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate
The state of your emotion.
Oh Spot,
The complex levels of behavior you display
Denote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
And though you are not sentient, Spot,
And do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

–Data (Brent Spiner)-‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’

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House, house, house.
Oh, you are made of stone
But you are not alone
-My house!
–“House” by Rik (Rik Mayall)-‘The Young Ones: Demolition’

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Pollution
All around
Sometimes up
And sometimes down
But always around.
Pollution, are you coming to my town?
Or am I coming to yours?
We’re on different buses, pollution
But we’re both using petrol.
–“Pollution” by Rik (Rik Mayall)-‘The Young Ones: Bomb’

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Marrow
Meringue.
Boomerang.
Long, blue boomerang.
–“Free Form” by Rik (Rik Mayall)-‘The Young Ones: Flood’

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What do you think you’re doing, pig?
Do you really give a fig, pig?
And what’s your favorite sort of gig, pig?
Barry Manilow,
Or the black and white minstrel show.
–“The People’s Poem” by Rik (Rik Mayall)-‘The Young Ones: Flood’

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I love…tick-infested hounds,
Slaughterin’ a deer…and beer.
–Mike Nelson-‘Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Spider Invasion!’

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I can’t sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never happen.
–Commander Chakotay-‘Star Trek: Voyager: Resolutions’

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The greatest danger facing us is…our irrational fear of the unknown. But there is no such thing as the unknown. There are only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood.
–Captain Kirk (William Shatner)-‘Star Trek: The Corbomite Maneuver’

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Trust is earned, not given away.
–Lt. Worf (Michael Dorn)-‘Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Wounded’

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In the end all that matters is how we feel and what we do about it. Because either way we’re the ones that have to live with the consequences.
–Lt. Dax (Terry Farrel)-‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Rejoined’

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That’s the thing about faith. If you don’t have it, you can’t understand it. And if you do, no explanation is necessary.
–Major Kira (Nana Visitor)-‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’

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Well, ya see Norm, it’s like this: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

–Cliff Claven (John Ratzenberger)-‘Cheers’

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You really have to check what country you’re living in because the freedom that allows you to practice your religion is the same freedom you’re stepping on. That’s not right.
–Brad Pitt-‘Real Time With Bill Maher’