Humorous Quotations

Random funny quotations.

NOTE: If the quite is not attributed to anyone this means that I do not know who first said it.

Twenty-four hours in a day; twenty-four beers in a case – coincidence?

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What happens when ‘it’ goes to our head, and there’s nothing there?

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My boss is a Jewish carpenter; his name is Yitzak and he has a lumber company. Oy!
-Chris Benjamin, 1998

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Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

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The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-Harlan Ellison

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I am an artist and should be exempt from shit.
-P.J. Proby

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Know thyself? If I knew myself, I’d run away.
-Goethe

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

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I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

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Life is uncertain: eat dessert first.

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Me? Tense, stressed? I’m a frayed knot!

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Does ‘anal retentive’ have a hyphen?

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Reality is for people who can’t handle science-fiction.

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Do unto others, then run.
-Benny Hill

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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
-Douglass Adams

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I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
-August Strindberg

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Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

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Always remember; you’re unique, just like everyone else.

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All generalizations are false.

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Life is like a box of chocolates; A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for.

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The way to write American music is simple. All you have to do is to be an American and then write any kind of music you wish.
-Virgil Thomson

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A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: ‘Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it’s compressed) or some variant. One student, the only one to receive an A, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2: Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

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Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run. (He hates that)

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You’re just jealous ’cause the voices talk to me.

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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-Ellen DeGeneres

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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.’
-Jake Johansen

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You know, there are some people that just don’t love their fellow human beings, and I HATE people like that.
-Tom Lehrer

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You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin

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Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella

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Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose Bierce

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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life.

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I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
-Tom Waits

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Have a nice day, unless you have other plans.

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When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit so sin, we get to heaven. So…let’s all get drunk and go to heaven.
-Brian O’Rourke

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People with physical disabilities are often mistaken for having mental ones as well. In a similar way, athletes are often asked their opinions.
-Simon Munnery

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There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-Oscar Levant

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Control the child population; Have yourself spayed or neutered.
-Mona Pomeroy, 1992

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Hey, remember me? I don’t.
-Chris Glidewell, 1985

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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

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  • Just act normal.
  • Why start now?

-Craig O’Neal – From ‘All My Chili Dogs’ broadcast by Cool 95 out of Little Rock, AR

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  • Nicky, you can’t be in front of the white line.
  • It’s okay, he’s my assistant driver.
  • Well, what am I?
  • Another blonde joke.

-Mona Pomeroy and the Bus Driver, 1992

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If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing it wrong.
-Bazooka Gum Wrapper

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I’m an Aquarius. When will I ever stop bearing water?
-Brooke Phipps, 1992

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Say no to drugs. Say yes to Baseball Cards.
-Bumper Sticker

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Madness takes it toll. Please have exact change.

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Pessimism: If it wasn’t for the optimist, the pessimist would never know how happy he wasn’t.

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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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“Star Trek: The Next Generation” ‘Excuse T-shirt’

Troi senses danger
My communicator’s not working
Playing Strategema
Trying to avoid Lwaxana Troi
Attending Worf’s Klingon Rite of Passage
Fencing with Picard
Q’s visiting again
Conference in the Captain’s Lounge
Vacationing on Pacifica
Playing poker with Commander Riker
Solving crimes with Dixon Hill
Trapped on the holodeck
Helping Geordi in engineering
Helping Wes with an experiment
Having tea with the Captain
Romulan’s crossed the Neutral Zone
Can’t violate the Prime Directive
Explaining a joke to Data

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Maybe a croissant. Is that right? Why do those French make everything so hard? Why don’t they just call it a bun?
-Non-conforming pirate (Ray Stevens)-“The Pirate Song” by Ray Stevens

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Q: Why couldn’t Mozart find his piano teacher?
A: Because he was Haydn.
-Stupid Joke #1-Scott Sadler

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Q: Who is a chicken’s favorite composer?
A: Bach, bach, bach.
-Stupid Joke #2-Scott Sadler

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My cow died. I don’t need your bull.
-Priscilla Huddleston, 1990

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Don’t be open-minded. Your brains will fall out.

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It’s not hard to meet expenses; they’re everywhere

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If we didn’t have college, we wouldn’t have football. If we didn’t have football, we wouldn’t have brain damage. And if we didn’t have brain damage, I’d be alone here tonight.
-Judy Tenuta

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Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

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When in charge, ponder.
When in trouble, delegate.
When in doubt, mumble.
-James H. Borden

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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

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If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

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Outside a dog, a book is a man’s best friend; and inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

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Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.
-Dan Rather

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I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
-Woody Allen

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Based upon what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1: Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2: Advising the President.
3: Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-David Letterman

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We are here on Earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.
-W.H. Auden

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The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, “Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be seven fold, as the light of 7 days.” Thus, Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, in addition 7×7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.
The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that….
The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, e.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.
Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E^4=50, where E is the absolute temperature of the Earth (-300k), gives H as 798K (525c)
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed…[however] Revelation 21:8 says, “But the fearful, and unbelieving…shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.” A lake of molten brimstone means that the temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6c. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525c, is hotter than Hell at 445c.
-From Applied Optics, volume 11, A14, 1972

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Reality is whatever refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.
-Philip K. Dick

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The mind is never blank. If it were, how would you know?
-Ed Foreman, July 1994

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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.
-Sam Levenson

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Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
-John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987

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If you can’t answer a man’s arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
-Elbert Hubbard

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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
-Mark Twain

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Football is a mistake. It combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-George Will

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I have idols. I just don’t worship them.
-Paul Crites, August 1996

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You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.
-Al Capone

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The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
-Harold Coffin

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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner

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The Book of Elder 7:8-9
And then he sayeth, “that way is south, that way is north, and this is east and west.” And we marveled at his words.
And the people spake unto one another and said, “Who is this that speaketh thus? Yea verily, he speaks not as a man, but a compass.”
-Cory Brownfield and Chris Benjamin, 1996

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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-Woody Allen

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I realize that I’m generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care.
-Dave Barry

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I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
-Jane Austen

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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-Ashleigh Brilliant

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Life is just one damned thing after another.
-Elbert Hubbard

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All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

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There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-Dick Cavett

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Whenever I see a Dalmatian, I ask, “What number are you?”

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Character is what you are in the dark.
-Dwight L. Moody

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You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
-Stephen Wright

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If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
-John Kenneth Galbraith

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With every passing hour our solar system comes 43,000 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
-Ransom K. Fern

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In dog years, I’m dead.

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No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
-Fran Lebowitz

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“To do is to be.” — Descartes
“To be is to do.” — Voltaire
“Do be do be do.” — Sinatra