Regional Humor

New State Mottoes for the United States

  • Alabama: At least we’re not Mississippi
  • Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos can’t be wrong!
  • Arizona: But it’s a dry heat
  • Arkansas: Literasy ain’t everthin’
  • California: As seen on TV
  • Colorado: If you don’t ski, don’t bother
  • Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only dirtier and with less character
  • Delaware: We really do like the chemicals in our water
  • Florida: Ask us about our grand-kids
  • Georgia: We put the ‘fun’ in fundamentalist Extremism
  • Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to mainland scum, but leave your money)
  • Idaho: More than just potatoes…well, okay, we’re not. But the potatoes sure are real good!
  • Illinois: Please don’t pronounce the ‘s’
  • Indiana: Two billion years tidal wave free
  • Iowa: We do amazing things with corn
  • Kansas: First of the rectangle states
  • Kentucky: Five million people; fifteen last names
  • Louisiana: We’re not all drunk Cajun wackos, but that’s our tourism campaign
  • Maine: We’re really cold, but we have cheap lobster
  • Maryland: A thinking man’s Delaware
  • Massachusetts: Our taxes are lower than Sweden’s (for most tax brackets)
  • Michigan: First line of defense from the Canadians
  • Minnesota: 10,000 lakes and 10,000,000 mosquitoes
  • Mississippi: Come feel better about your own state
  • Missouri: Your federal flood relief tax dollars at work
  • Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing crazies and very little else
  • Nebraska: Ask about our state motto contest
  • Nevada: Whores and Poker!
  • New Hampshire: Go away and leave us alone
  • New Jersey: Ya wanna #$&*ing motto? I got your #$&*ing motto right here!
  • New Mexico: Lizards make excellent pets
  • New York: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney…
  • North Carolina: Tobacco is a vegetable
  • North Dakota: We really are one of the 50 states
  • Ohio: At least we’re not Michigan!
  • Oklahoma: Like the play, only no singing
  • Oregon: Spotted owl…it’s what’s for dinner
  • Pennsylvania: Cook with coal
  • Rhode Island: We’re not REALLY an island
  • South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We do
  • South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota
  • Tennessee: The educashun state
  • Texas: Si, hablo ingles
  • Utah: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
  • Vermont: Yep
  • Virginia: Who says government stiffs and slakjaw yokels don’t mix?
  • Washington: Help! We’re over-run by nerds and slackers!
  • Washington D.C.: Wanna be Mayor?
  • West Virginia: One big happy family…really!
  • Wisconsin: Eat cheese or die!
  • Wyoming: Wynot?.

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Things You Would NEVER Hear a TRUE Southerner Say, No Matter How Much They’ve Had to Drink, No Matter How Far From the South

  • I’ll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
  • Duct tape or bailing wire won’t fix that.
  • Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
  • We don’t keep firearms in the house.
  • Has anybody seen the side-burn trimmer?
  • You can’t feed that to the dog.
  • I thought Graceland was tacky.
  • No kids in the back of the pick-up; it’s not safe.
  • Wrasslin’s fake.
  • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  • We’re vegetarians.
  • Do you think my hair’s too big?
  • I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
  • Honey, do these Bonsai trees need watering?
  • Who’s Richard Petty?
  • Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  • Deer heads detract from the decor.
  • Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  • I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  • Trim the fat off that steak.
  • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  • The tires on the truck are too big.
  • I’ll have that arugula and radicchio salad.
  • I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
  • Unsweetened tea tastes best.
  • Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  • My fiancee, Paula Joe, is registered at Tiffany’s.
  • I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Superbowl.
  • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  • Checkmate.
  • She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
  • Does the salad bar have sprouts?
  • Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
  • I don’t have a favorite college team.
  • Be sure to put my salad dressing on the side.
  • I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  • Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
  • Elvis who?

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Ways to Annoy a Yankee

  • Take your own sweet time doing anything.
  • Pronounce all one-syllable words with two syllables.
  • When giving direction, finish with ‘and it’s right down yonder on the left.’ Confuses ’em somethin’ terrible.
  • Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
  • Insist on being called by your first and middle names. e.g. Lisa Marie, Jim Bob…you get the idea.
  • When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies, preferably the banana kind.
  • Name all of your children Bubba, or just call them that.
  • Use the word ‘reckon’ in a sentence and watch their reaction.
  • Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.
  • Call ’em a Yankee. Works every time.

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Planning to Move to the South? Remember the Following Items:

  • Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
  • If you forget a southerner’s name, refer to him as “Bubba.” You have a 50% chance of being right.
  • Just because you can drive on snow and ice doesn’t mean we can. Stay home on the two days of the year it snows.
  • If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive pick-up truck, with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
  • Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
  • Do not buy food at the movie store.
  • If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
  • Remember: ‘Y’all’ is singular. ‘All y’all’ is plural. ‘All y’all’s’ is plural possessive.
  • There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it’s a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
  • The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is ‘big ol,’ as in ‘big ol’ torch’ or ‘big ol’ boy.’ 85% begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. 100% are in denial about it.
  • The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
  • Be advised: The “he needed killin'” defense is valid here.
  • If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
  • The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until after Thanksgiving.
  • You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks and ‘where the ol’ schoolhouse used to be,’ you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

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You Know You’re From Maine if…

  • You’ve had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.
  • When it snows four inches and you call it “a dusting.”
  • Your neighbor’s house was foreclosed after an unlucky 24 hour mini-cruise on the Scotia Prince.
  • You don’t understand why there aren’t fried clam shacks elsewhere in the country.
  • You know what an Irving is and the location of 15 of them.
  • You knew all the flavors at Perry’s Nut House.
  • Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in May.
  • You can drive the Augusta traffic circle without slowing down.
  • You’ve hung out at a gravel pit.
  • You think a mosquito could be a species of bird.
  • You once skipped school and went to Bar Harbor, Old Orchard Beach or Reid State Park.
  • Even your school cafeteria made good chowder.
  • You’ve almost fallen asleep driving between Houlton and Presque Isle.
  • You know how to pronounce Calais.
  • You’ve made a meal out of a Jordan’s red dye hot-dog, a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips and a can of Moxie.
  • You’ve gone to a Grange bean supper.
  • In high school, you (or a friend) packed Deering Ice Cream cones.
  • At least once in your life you’ve said, “It smells like the mill in here.”
  • There’s a fruit and vegetable stand within 10 minutes of your house.
  • You crave Italian sandwiches at least weekly.
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is being the second car at the stoplight.
  • You wonder out loud if the state can just close its borders to people from away.
  • Your house converts to a B&B every July & August for people from away that you happen to know.
  • All year long you’re tracking sand in the house; from the beach in the summer and the roads and sidewalks in the winter.
  • You have a front door but no porch to get to it.
  • Your kids start using “wicked” as a multipurpose part of speech.
  • You have to have the sand cleaned out of your brake system every spring.
  • You do the majority of your shopping out of Uncle Henry’s.
  • You’ve ditched the car on the side of the road somewhere because you thought you saw some good fiddleheads!
  • You’ve had a vacation from school just to help the family pick potatoes.
  • If you know a lobster pot is a trap, not a kettle.
  • If you know not to plant tender crops until the last full moon in May.
  • When you go to the dump and bring back more than you brought.
  • You’ve ever given directions to someone from “away” and intentionally led them in the opposite direction they wanted to go.
  • You watch “Murder She Wrote” and snicker at the stupid fake accents.
  • You know how to find the rope swing at the quarry.
  • You take the New Hampshire toll personally.
  • You feel really really good when you cross the Piscatiqua River bridge into Kittery.
  • You always wave when you see a Maine license plate in another state.
  • When a roll of Duct tape and a can of flat black spray paint will get your car to pass inspection.
  • When you knew how to avoid all the traffic at the Fryebrug Fair by using the “Secret Entrance.”
  • When you have to replace your mailbox yearly because of the town snow plow.
  • When you know how to get from Cumberland to Fryeburg via the “Egypt Road.”
  • When you can remember when the “Egypt Road” was a dirt track through the woods.
  • When you’re supposed to dress up, you wear flannel with a tie.
  • You know that Moody’s Diner does NOT take credit cards!
  • You actually miss the fifteen below zero mornings in the winter because you enjoyed running or walking to work in the silent crystal stillness, punctuated by an idling car engine as the owner waited indoors for the car to warm up before his mad dash from warmth to warmth, and your lungs did not freeze; thank you very much for your concern.
  • When the word “stove” refers to what you did to the right front fender of your truck after you’ve had a wicked bring-up on a rock.
  • When there’s too much “stuff” in your two-cah garage to get either of your cars into it.
  • When you know what a frappe is.
  • When you know the smell of Woodsmens fly dope.
  • When you know the difference between ‘hogged up,’ ‘snubbed up,’ and ‘fetched up.’