Holiday Humor

Let’s face it: Once you’re old enough to fall off of Santa’s ‘List’, Christmas can lose some of its magic. It can become a super-commercialized orgy of over-eating, binge-drinking and familial Hell. The following is a list of some ways to give the ol’ holiday a fresh twist.

  • Decorate your fireplace, tree and house with long fatty strips of Christmas Bacon.
  • Get rid of your Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage: The Chia Christ!
  • Attend Midnight Mass and hoot ‘Boo-Yah!’ every time the priest mentions ‘the Savior.’
  • Find out exactly how many cups of spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to dance in your head.
  • Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come with spring-loaded attack sheep, kung-fu grip wise men and shepherds that transform into robotic tarantulas.
  • Christmas morning Happy Hour at Hooters, 6 am ’til noon.

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Christmas Carols for the Mentally Disabled in All of Us

  • Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
  • Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
  • Dementia: I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas
  • Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
  • Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…
  • Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming..to Get Me
  • Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
  • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock….better start again.
  • Passive-Agressive Personality: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)
  • Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire