Helpful Humor

Signs You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee

  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You go to AA meetings for the free coffee.
  • You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you notice it’s not plugged in.
  • Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  • Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • You help your dog chase it’s tail.
  • You introduce your spouse as your ‘coffee mate.’
  • Your hero is FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper.
  • Your head explodes.

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You Know You’re Too Stressed When…

  • You can achieve a runner’s high by sitting up.
  • The sun is too loud.
  • You are missing several days from this week.
  • Trees begin to chase you.
  • You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
  • You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you’ve said it before.
  • You can hear mimes.
  • You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
  • Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
  • You and reality file for divorce.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you’ve said it before.
  • It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
  • You can travel without moving.
  • Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
  • You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
  • You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the next day.

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16 Snappy Comebacks to the Question: “Why Aren’t You Married?”
Provided by Doug Wise

  • You haven’t asked yet.
  • I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
  • What? And spoil my great sex life?
  • Nobody would believe me in white.
  • Because I just love hearing this question.
  • Just lucky, I guess.
  • It gives my mother something to live for.
  • My fiancee is awaiting parole.
  • I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
  • Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to “Miss Saigon?”
  • I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
  • It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
  • I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
  • Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
  • They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
  • I guess it goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.

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Things to Do in an Elevator

  • When people get on, ask for their tickets.
  • When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
  • Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  • Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Mike. How’s your day been?”
  • Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up and say, “That’s mine!”
  • Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on, that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
  • Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn’t high enough.

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Fourteen Things That Took Over 50 Years to Learn

  • Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  • If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’
  • There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
  • People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them.
  • You should not confuse your career with your life.
  • Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
  • Never lick a steak knife.
  • The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  • You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  • There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
  • The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
  • A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  • You don’t have to look good. Your friends love you anyway.