Entertainment Humor

Top Ten ‘Star Wars’-ish Things to Say When Your Parents Make a Surprise Visit to Your House/Dorm.

  • “Exciting is hardly the word I would use.”
  • “Unexpected, this is. And unfortunate.”
  • Gesture around your room and say to your roommmates, “If they don’t go for this, we’re gonna have to get outta here pretty quick.”
  • Say to them as they come through the door, “You’ve gotta lotta guts coming here after what you pulled.”
  • Parents: “Hi, we just stopped by to see if you would join us for lunch.” Reply with: “I’ll never join you!” Distort your face and throw yourself down the nearest shaft.
  • Ask them for money. If they question why they should give you $(fill in the amount) have a friend yell, “Because he’s holding a thermal detonator!” (Everyone dive for cover.)
  • If they ask why the place is such a mess, reply with, “Your eyes can deceive you – don’t trust them. I’ve let go of my conscious self and acted on instinct.”
  • “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
  • “Lock the doors and hope they don’t have blasters!”
  • If they ask how school is going, say, “When I left you, I was but the learner. Now, I am the master.

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What I Learned From Classic Musicals: Compiled by the Fred Astaire Mailing List

  • Men: You are always taller than your dancing partner.
  • People often mistake you for someone else, usually of bad reputation.
  • You never need to launder anything as your wardrobe seemingly repels dirt. (Rather like “The Man in the White Suit”, not to be confused with “The Man in the Santa Claus Suit.”
  • Men: You only dance with younger women and are never, ever forced to dance with your sister.
  • You cannot blow into a horn to save your life.
  • You indulge in miracle working when things get dull.
  • Most music you hear just happens to be in your limited register.
  • Your best friend is a drum (or Keenan Wynn).
  • One you break into song, EVERYONE knows the words and tune and can join right in.
  • You can break into song, anytime, anywhere and an orchestra will appear to back you up, even when there’s only a piano in the room

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Top Ten Signs That You Watch Too Much “X-Files.”

  • You often cut your sister without warning just to ensure that she’s still human.
  • Your underwear and wallpaper are made of aluminum foil so ‘they’ can’t find you.
  • All the events of your day come together in the last 5 minutes that you are awake.
  • You will participate in company meetings only if they are held in a damp, dark garage.
  • The UFO sightings hotline has asked you to limit your calls to once a day.
  • You travel to FBI headquarters with silver B.B.s, saying that you found them buried deep in your nasal cavity.
  • You have thrown out your Star Trek: Deep Space 9 lunchbox – it just seems so childish now.
  • You name your first born ‘Dana Scully.’
  • You’re constantly duct-taping yourself to bed at night to keep from being abducted.
  • You buy a fog machine for the house and insist on moving from room to room using a 10 pound high-power search light.