Animal Humor

Answers to that Age-Old Question: “Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?”
Answered by Some of the Most Famous Persons in History

  • Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
  • Colonel Sanders: What? I missed one?
  • The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
  • Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
  • Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
  • Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
  • Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
  • Aristotle: Is is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
  • Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
  • Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
  • Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
  • Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
  • Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
  • Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned with why the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
  • Bill Gates: Microsoft has just released “Chicken Coop 2000”, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook – and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
  • Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
  • Jerry Fallwell: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? “The chicken was going to the other side.” That’s what ‘they’ call it: the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.
  • George W. Bush: I don’t think I should have to answer that question.

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I used to work at a Veterinary Clinic. Despite any suggestions or ‘rules’ that we posted, the following is what the customers must have actually read.

  • Please, do not make an appointment: We will be here anyway, and you can, of course, be seen immediately.
  • Please do not have your dog on a leash: He may choke while running around like a maniac.
  • Please do not bring your cat in a carrier or it will not be able to see all the other animals it can play with.
  • Bring your children. Bring your neighbor’s children. If you do not have children, borrow some.
  • Place your pet on the exam room table, then sit down. Do not offer assistance. Remind the doctor that he won’t jump.
  • If your pet is in really bad shape, tell the doctor you were on vacation.
  • If your dog is vicious, please do not tell the doctor. Please be sure he is free to roam the room.
  • Please remind the doctor your animal was abused before you got him.
  • Please leave your sunglasses on. Also make sure your cell phone and pager are on.
  • As you are leaving, please let your dog urinate on all vertical surfaces. Please do not tell us.
  • While in the parking lot, make sure your dog defecates inappropriately. Do not clean it up.
  • Because you found this animal as a stray there will be, of course, no charge.

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New Dog Breeds

  • Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso; a dog that folds up for easy transport.
  • Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow; a dog that throws up a lot.
  • Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter; a traditional Christmas pet.
  • Great Pyrenees + Dachsund = Pyradachs; a puzzling breed.
  • Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso; an abstract dog.
  • Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Spring; a dog that’s fresh and clean as a whistle.
  • Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Retriever; the choice of research scientists.
  • Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound; a dog for financial advisers.
  • Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull; a dog that makes awful mistakes.
  • Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador; a dog that barks incessantly.
  • Malamute + Pointer = Moot Poin; owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway.
  • Collie + Malamute = Commute; a dog that travels to work.
  • Deerhound + Terrier = Derrier; a dog that’s true to the end.
  • Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Oh, never mind.

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Dog Haiku (Close Enough)

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts–I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy–come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage Man—come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot–no greater bliss–well,
Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all
Bad–she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under the fence-why?
Because it’s there. Because it’s
there. Because it’s there.

I am your best friend.
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas.
But they are far more–I call
Them a vocation.

My owners’ mood is
Romantic–I lie near their
feet. I fart a big one.

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How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

  • Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
  • Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
  • Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
  • Shi-Tzu: Puh-leeze dah-ling. Let the servants…
  • Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes re-wiring the house, my nails will be dry.
  • Rottweiler: Make me.
  • Lab: oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeese let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Can I? Huh? Can I?
  • Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
  • Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls and furniture.
  • Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
  • Doberman Pinchser: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
  • Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toy in the dark.
  • Mastiff: Mastiffs are not afraid of the dark.
  • Chihuahua: Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.
  • Irish Wolfhound: The pack will have to decide who will change it! And we choose YOU!
  • Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there…..
  • Greyhound: It isn’t moving, so who cares?
  • Australian Shepherd: First I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
  • Old English Sheepdog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
  • Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long will it be before I can expect some light?
  • Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz