Douchebags Consider Switching to Land Lines

“We’ll be kissing these goodbye,” assholes said.

A new medical report showing that excessive cell phone use may increase the risk of cancer has sparked widespread fear among the nation’s assholes, prominent assholes confirmed today.

For years, America’s assholes have talked relentlessly on their cell phones - while waiting on supermarket lines, sitting on the bus, or even crossing the street - regardless of the effect their annoying chatter has had on those around them.

But with a new doctor’s warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many jerks and douchebags are considering changing their ways.

Tracy Klugian, 32, an asshole who works as a realtor in Tallahassee, Florida, said that he and his Bluetooth have been “inseparable” for the past three years, but the new health scare may change that.

“I didn’t think twice about using my cell when it was only annoying other people, but now that it may be harming me, I’m going to have to kiss it goodbye,” he said.  “This totally sucks.”

When asked what he will miss most about his cell phone, Mr. Klugian said, “I loved when it would go off in the middle of a movie and wreck the experience for everyone seated around me - that was awesome.”

Davis Logsdon, an anthropologist who studies the behavior of egregious assholes at the University of Minnesota, said that the cell phone scare is only the latest in a series of setbacks for the nation’s douchebags.

“Thanks to rising gas prices, many of them have already had to give up their SUVs — and now this,” Dr. Logsdon said.  “All in all, this has been a tough summer for assholes.”

I finally saw Cars last night. When it was released to theaters my husband and I just couldn’t muster up enough interest to go see it. It wasn’t that we don’t like car stories - I still have a warm spot for Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch - but from what we saw in trailers and from what we heard and read in reviews, we weren’t interested in shelling out nearly $20 for a automated remake of Doc Hollywood.

I am so glad we didn’t spend the money then. I doubt it was a conscious remake of Doc Hollywood, but it was damn near close enough that Jeffrey Price, Peter S. Seaman and Daniel Pyne need a royalty check. Doc Hollywood itself wasn’t all that original but Cars has the following specific similarities:

An antagonist who:

• Is trying to get to California for purely selfish reasons
• Has no friends
• Is diverted from California by an incident with a diesel truck
• Arrives in a small town and causes damage to a fence among other things
• Has to serve time via community service
• After spending a night in an uncomfortable place is given a nicer place to stay
• Meets an older, wiser mentor that is referred to as ‘Doc’
• Meets an older, wiser mentor who has nothing but scorn for the young jerk
• Meets a colorful group of townies who have more personality than anyone he’s ever met before
• Meets the one pretty ‘girl’ in the town who is up to the antagonist’s standards, has spent time in the big city and decides that small town life is for her instead and is a student of law
• In the end the gets to California so that he has the chance to meet his goals
• Once in California realizes that it’s not what he really wants and decides to go back to the small town because of the friends he has made and, of course, that pretty girl

What Cars does not have is the charm and wit of the Doc Hollywood script and despite some good voice acting, the small town characters are not all that memorable and therefore do not condone any warm feelings for the viewer. Too much time is spent on the ‘dumb’ character of Mater who, despite the very annoying voice performance of Larry the Cable Guy, is the only townie the viewer even has a chance to like.

It also did not have a pig.

One of the things that really kept pulling my husband out of the film, and after a while myself, was the world itself. A world populated by cars is just kind of strange. Chris kept going on about why the cars had windshields if there was no one inside to be shielded. Those kind of things didn’t bother me - like I said, I used to watch Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch regularly - but what did bother me was the evidence of humans and yet the total lack of them.

I can buy that maybe cars could build their own roads and take care of themselves. I do not understand why in a world populated by nothing but machines there were food crops planted beside those roads. I know, not important to the story but the fact that those things were there - that someone made of point of creating them for the film - THAT bothers me.

The final, full impression I got from this movie is that someone wanted to render real countryside, maybe just to show off how well they could, not take any time to write anything witty or original but make sure it would be commercial. Therefore, throw in racing cars, NASCAR celebrity voices and nearly intolerable country music, ensuring that it would endear to the lowest common denominator in this country and - voila! - you have a mediocre money-maker.

A movie that is only memorable for its merchandising success.

I wonder how well it did overseas.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

…and shut the hell up in movie theaters.

Is anyone else getting really, really annoyed with how obnoxious, intolerant and downright asshole-ish Bucky Katt has become the last few months? I’m waiting for the day that Rob finally takes the little shit and drop kicks him out the front door.

Fred Astaire only made two films with Cyd but the impression these two films made on me were significant. The Bandwagon - arguably Fred Astaire’s best film - and Silk Stockings are filled with humor, great music and, of course, wonderful dancing. Cyd was one of Fred’s best partners and he was generous enough to let her show it. When she danced with Gene Kelly it always seemed that all Gene wanted to do was lift her and carry her around. Fred let her keep her feet on the ground and actually dance.

And, wow, could she dance. I have no problem understanding what Fred meant when he said, “When you dance with Cyd Charisse, you’ve been danced with.”

This is very odd for me. I hate mornings and I normally sleep as long as possible - I don’t have to be at work until 7:30 - but I didn’t feel like sleeping anymore.

When I got on the scale it told me that I have lost 11 pounds in the past three weeks.

So far, it’s been a decent birthday.

I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. There were two main culprits, one being a message board. I didn’t read the thread too closely but it seemed to be about The Big Lebowski but it was also bashing women and stating that they shouldn’t be anywhere near a computer. Seems to me that it should be bandwidth and image stealing assholes who shouldn’t be allowed near a computer.

Learn to right-click, idiots. Hot linking is for thieves and losers.

Don’t get me wrong - I like Locke very much. He’s been one of the best three characters from the very beginning but I have this unhealthy fascination with Ben. If I were on the island I would be very tempted to join the Others - and the fact that Nestor “I am Batmanuel” Carbonell is one of them would have nothing (okay, maybe a little) to do with it.

No logic here. Ben went way down below the island to a very cold place - wearing the coat he was wearing when he turned up in the desert - turned an ancient wheel and after a noise as annoying as Jim Carey’s screech it went bye bye. Right on! Find THAT Charles Widmore, you man who keeps showing up on all of my favorite shows.

This season finale did cause one reaction I don’t think I’ve ever had with this show - crying not because of a disaster, or sad ending but for a very happy ending. When Desmond and Penny saw each other I turned into a total girl and cried for them. There aren’t too many of those kind of moments on Lost and I was glad that it went to the third of my three favorite characters (Desmond).

• What did Sawyer ask Kate to do?
• Where did the island go?
• Did everyone/everything make the jump or were others tossed out like Ben?
• Did Miles stay because he knew the boat was going to go boom or is there something else going on with him?
• Where is Sayid taking Hurley?
• Is Jack’s dad dead or not?
• When does the second half of season four start?